And then she kissed me...

This was the creative writing contest I participated in IIM Kashipur ...we had to end our writing with the line:And then she kissed me...


What was wrong with a platonic relationship anyways?Was it chic to have a physical relationship with a female just to prove that chauvinistic idea called manliness?

"Of course!Boy you are in Harvard now and look at you.When would you Indians come out of your conservatism??You friggin' hypocrites talk about culture and tradition,you keep your daughters and sisters locked in kitchens and when it comes to population,you are number one in the world!"

"Check your general knowledge dude.We are the second most populated country and not the first",I sueaked in utter vain,trying to hide my frustration.

"There goes the mama's boy again...lets move guys before he freaks out yet again.You are not coming for the ball tonight Bharat,are you?...oh,Iam sorry...stag entries not allowed..."

'Out of place' would fall miles short of what I felt at that moment.I felt I was living with aliens.And even after two years of survival in the place,the tempting thought just hit me again: "Bharat,just leave everything and go back to the country you belong to,the country where tradition lives on...where tradition does not hinder progress..." But then this was not the first time I had to fight such temptation.Blessed with the virtue of determination, I had lived on.
The taunts had become a part of my life.But somehow I was being overwhelmed.Overwhelmed by what people call peer pressure.

Next day again,and the day after that yet again,and the week after...I felt I was suffering with aboulia.The peer pressure was forcing me to yield;the taunts,the sarcasms ,the hootings were all playing their part...It started affecting my studies.From a respectable B grade,I merely managed to pass my exams this time around.

And the day had to come."To hell with the principles!",I said to myself....

I set out in search of a brothel.

"You mean a red light area?" ,the cab driver enquired,giving me an amused stare from top to bottom.It reminded me of the question I had failed to answer during my interview for Harvard-Your most embarrasing moment...

I looked down and nodded.The cab sped on and so did my thoughts.The turmoil had caught me like a whirlpool.But I wasnt the same person.I had faced enough."A minor wrong for a major good",I said to myself.

I was woken up by the sudden brake at the traffic signal.The red light was a harbinger of things to come.

"Which category do you want-A,B,C or D?",the man repeated in an irritated way...
"Uh-oh...C will do...",I murmured.
"Seventy five."

I placed seventy five dollars in front of the stout,bespectacled man and went in,guided by a scantily dressed female.I was shivering by then.
She left me deserted in front of a door."You have two hours from now".I was red- can't describe it;fear,anguish,anticipation,embarrasment...words dont suffice.
I knocked.Nobody answered.The door wasn't bolted.I realized that this ain't my teacher's chamber.This was a place where man came after leaving behind his principles and etiquettes.I opened the door and went in.

There stood in front of a cracked mirror a woman,barely twenty...But face wrinkled,body zonked.Fairly attractive she was.But I could'nt summon the courage.

"Where would you like to start with?",she asked in a matter of fact manner.

"What?",I stuttered.

"Is it your first time?"

"Ummm...nop...ofcourse not",I lied.

For the first time she looked up at me.She had beautiful eyes.She stared at me just like a professional murderer would look at a pickpocket.But she never smiled.

"Are you an Asian?"
"Yes",I answered.
"So its your so called friends"

I just stared at her , flabbergasted.

"Do you think you really wanna do this?"
"Ofcourse",I disguised myself in a much better way this time.
She waited for a few seconds as if waiting for me to confess but I did not budge.
"Then go ahead" and she started undressing.

My hearbeat grew fast,faster...Twenty one years it had been.I had upheld the integrity of my nation,my family,my values.And all this was about to be destroyed in a matter of few seconds.

"No stop!",I unconsciously yelled.
"I dont want to do this",I confessed.I looked down, absolutely down.This certainly was it-the most embarrasing moment.

"What is your name?",she asked.
"Bharat"

"Bharat listen to me carefully.You belong to a country they used to call the golden bird,the country which gave birth to great people.Yudhisthira,wasnt he,the eldest of the Pandavas.Iam sure you know about your epics.You should be proud of your culture,your principles.You dont change the meaning of right or wrong simply because other people tell you to do so.This isnt a place like your nation-where families are closely knit throughout their lives.This isnt the place where females are worshipped.This isnt the place where marriages are holy.Remember what you stand for,why your parents sent you to this place,think about their hopes and aspirations.Even Iam a female before Iam a prostitute."


"What is your name",I asked.


"Gita"


In the deafening silence,I stood their absolutely still.


And then she kissed me...

WHAT DO YOU SAY ...WHEN WE TALK ABOUT LOVE ??? ...

The morning was as usual crazy for me ... shitloads ... I was expecting it to become something out of blues.. but as usual it was full of boredom ...

The minute I had my eyes open .. I was baffling around ... the words were apart .. I wasn't able to actually rephrase what just happened with me ... Oh Gosh !!! I had a fantasy ... What T.. F.. How could even that be possible ..?? But it was ...

She was there back again ... HELL NO ..... But yes , she was there ....I actually don't know how I landed up with my ex in my dreams .. but it all started being horny ... temperature was raised up ...  It would blow up anytime and guess what ?? She started burying her nails deep inside my skin ...and then  she just throws me out on the couch. ... And the play began... I started biting her upper lips... so furiously that at a moment I thought they were just going to be ripped off ...

Why does she do this me every time ?? How many times do I have  to broke apart .. lying in the balcony sloshed up .. all alone... crying my heart out all the night ... sobbing and just pains...

Really need to put this up to an end .....

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HER

I KNOW, NOTHING ABOUT YOU

YOU KNOW, NOTHING ABOUT ME

STILL, I CAN FEEL YOU

STILL, I BELIEVE IN YOU

THAT WHATEVER YOU SEEM TO BE OUTSIDE

ACTUALLY ARE MORE INSIDE

I MIGHT NOT TALK TO YOU

I MIGHT NOT SAY

BUT MY BELIEVE IN YOU

IS MUCH MORE THAN THAT

PLEASE DON’T GET BURDENED

MY FEELINGS ARE TO TAKE CARE

TO BE WITH YOU IN PAIN

AND DON’T GET BURDENED

BY WHAT I FEEL,

I DO NOT INTEND TO HAVE YOU

NOT WANT YOU TO BE MINE

MAY BE WANTING YOU IS WRONG

THAT MAKES ME LOOK SELFISH

MAY BE THAT IS WHY I WOULD SAY,

JUST BE AROUND

NEED TO FEEL YOUR PRESENCE

ALL AROUND ALL THE TIME

IF IT WAS TRUE

SHOOTING STAR COULD GRANT ME MY WISHES

I WOULD WAKE UP EVERY NIGHT

GAZING AT THE SKY

JUST TO PRAY THAT

ALL MIGHTY IF YOU ARE

AND IF HER LIFE WANTS

GRANT  HER HOPE

IF IT WAS TRUE THAT BROKEN EYE LASHES

COULD FULFIL MY DESIRES

I WOULD BE HAVING NONE OF THOSE

SINCE I WOULD HAVE ASKED THEM

TO GIVE WHAT YOU WANT,

IT IS SAD NOT KNOWING

YOU FEEL THE SAME OR NOT

IT IS UNBEARABLE

THAT YOU MIGHT NOT

JUST GIVE ME SIGN MY HOPE

THAT WAITING FOR YOU

IS WORTH SOMETHING

तुम्हारी सुर्ख आँखों पर काजल कैसा लगता होगा ....

तुम्हारी सुर्ख आँखों पर काजल कैसा लगता होगा ....

आज भोपाल से इंदौर वापस आ रहा था .. हाँ वही शहर जहाँ तुम कभी रहा करती थी .. तुम्हारी परछाई ढूँढ रहा था ... शायद तुमने पीछे छोड़ दी हो मेरे लिए ...  बहुत प्यारा शहर है भोपाल ... जगह जगह पे एक नया रंग ...

एक बात बोलूं ??

भोपाल मुझे पहले कभी इतना पसंद नही आया ... पर जब तुमने बताया की तुम पहले वही रहती थी तो .. ईज़ शहर की हर गली ... हर चौराहे से प्यार हो गया. ... अब जब भी भोपाल जाता हूँ बस हर जगह तुम्हारा ही अक्स नज़र आता है ... जिस गली ... जिस चौराहे  .. जिस दुकान पे जाता हूँ .. बस यही सोचता हूँ ... कभी वो भी तो यहाँ आई होगी ना ?? ... कभी उसने भी तो अरेरा हिल्स पे शामे बिताई होंगी ना ?? ... कभी वो भी तो शाम को सिविल लाइन्स पर गोलगप्पे खाती होगी ना ?? ... कभी वो भी तो गोलगप्पे वाले भैया से कहती होगी ना की भैया थोड़ा ज़्यादा स्पाइसी करना ?? :) :) :) ..... तुम्हारी इन बातों को सोचते ही चेहरे पे बड़ी सी मुस्कान आ जाती है ... गम हो या... मूड ऑफ हो .. बस ये सोच लेता हूँ  तुम यहाँ होती मेरे साथ तो क्या करती ... और सच मानो ... सारी थकान...सारी उलझने ... सुलझ सी जाती है ...

तुम मेरी पावर हाउस हो ...

तुमसे जुड़ी हुई कोई भी चीज़ को देखता हूँ तो बस तुम ही तुम नज़र आती हो... यार तुम्हारी पता है एक प्रोब्लम है .. तुम्हारी आँखें बहुत बातें करती है ... दिन भर बक-बक, बक-बक .... थकती नही हो तुम .... ???  याद है वो रात भर फोन से चिपके रहना  ... बेतुकी ...बेईमानी सी बातें करना ...  बातें करते-करते सो जाना .... याद तो होगा ना ??? वक़्त बदल चुका है .. पर मैं तो आज भी वही खड़ा हूँ .. जहाँ तुम मुझे छोड़ कर गयी थी ...

आज भी फोन का स्क्रीन अनलॉक करता हूँ तो इसी झूठी उम्मीद में की कहीं तुम्हारा कोई कॉल आया होगा ...

अच्छे दिन थे वो यार ... जब हम दोनो साथ थे ...

चलो छोड़ो भी यार .. फिर से वही गुम का फसाना .. और फिर से वही रात में बलेंडर'स प्राइड का साथ ...

बात कहाँ शुरू की थी कहाँ पहुँच गया ... देखा तुमने तुम्हारा जादू ... अच्छे ख़ासे को तुम पागल करदो ... पर क्या करे तुम हो ही इतनी अच्छी की , हर कोई तुम्हारे प्यार में पागल हो जाता है ... I am envying you seriously right now ....

तो बात हो रही थी भोपाल की ... भोपाल ही क्यूँ .. तुम्हारे नाम को ही ले लो ... जब भी किसी के नाम में तुम्हारा नाम मिल जाता है तो बस उसके सामने नज़रें अपने आप झुक जाती है .... सच बोलूं तो प्यार हो जाता है उससे से... सिर्फ़ इसलिए की उसका नाम भी वही है जो तुम्हारा  है ... पागलपन की हद ...

हाँ तो भाई ... बात हो रही थी भोपाल की .. फिर आपके नाम की भी कर दी .. अब तो मुद्दे पर आ जाऊं ??

भोपाल से इंदौर  travel  कर  रहा था  ...  cab share करी थी मैने ... साथ में मेरी colleague थी ... आज पहली बार उसको इतने पास से देखा था ... उस पर मेरा ध्यान इसलिए भी गया के उसकी आँखें जो काजल से सराबोर थी ... मुझे दिन में भी अंधेरे का एहसास करवा रही थी ... ज़्यादा ही अच्छी लग रही थी ... झूठ क्यूँ बोलू ?? बोलता भी नही हूँ ... तुम्हे पता है ...

तो पूरा आज का लेखा-जोखा बस तुम्हारी आँखों की तारीफ़ के लिए था .. तो बात ये है की ...उसकी काजल भरी आँखों को देखकर मुझे तुम्हारी आँखें याद आ गयी ... बादलों से बाते करती तुम्हारी आँखें... बेरंग में रंग भरने वाली तुम्हारी आँखें .... इशारो से ही सब कुछ कह देने वाली तुम्हारी आँखें .... तुम्हारी आँखें मुझे सबसे ज़्यादा प्यारी है ... सबसे ज़्यादा ... मतलब सबसे सबसे सबसे ज़्यादा... तुम कुछ ना भी बोलो तो तुम्हारी आँखें सब कुछ बोल जाती है ... तुम्हारे लिए लाई डिटेक्टर का काम करती है ... एक snap में तुम्हारी आँखों में काजल लगा था ना... काजल तो तुम हमेशा ही लगाती हो ... पर उस snap में कुछ उभर के आ रहा था  तुम्हारे काजल का रंग .. वो मुझे आज भी मेरे दिल के सबसे करीब है ... lappy का वॉलपेपर ... पिक्चर पासवर्ड... हर चीज़ जो मेरे लिए सबसे important है सब में बस तुम ही तुम हो ... तुम्हारी आँखों में काजल कितना खूबसूरत लगता होगा ना ...  किसी को भी घायल करने के लिए काफ़ी ... तुम काजल लगाकर घर से बाहर ना निकला करो ... काले घने बादल आसमान पर  छा जाते हैं ... और तुम्हारे प्यार की बारिश मुझे मेरे हर जर्रे में भीगा जाती है ....

काजल से भरी तेरी आँखें , मजबूर करें जीने के लिए ...

दबंग इस्टाइल में कहूँ तो....

तेरे मस्त मस्त दो नैन

मेरे दिल का ले गये चैन....

तेरे मस्त मस्त दो नैन

मेरे दिल का ले गये चैन.....

मैने हार मान ली है .....

आज बहुत हारा हुआ सा महसूस कर रहा हूँ ... लगता है मानो किसी ने शरीर में से पूरी जान ही निकल दी हो ... आज वो पास आउट होकर निकल रही है .. फ़ेसबुक पर वाल्फि (valfi) की फोटो डाली है ... मैं अंदर ही अंदर जल रहा हूँ ... रोना सा आ रहा  है ... आँखिर मेरे साथ ही ऐसा क्यूँ होता है ... लोग वाल्फि की फोटो खींच खींच कर डाल रहे है .. और मैं यहाँ चू##यों की तरह बैठकर ब्लॉग पोस्ट कर रहा हूँ ... वो काफ़ी बदल गयी है .. लो अब तो लॅपटॉप की बेटेरी ने भी साथ छोड़ दिया ... चार्जिंग पे लगाता हूँ...वो बिकुल अपनी मम्मा जैसी दिखती है ... उसकी एक फोटो देख कर खूब रोया ... वो जो कभी मेरा नही था उसपे ... खुद ही अपना हक़ जताने चला था ... नतीजा तो यही होना था ... बहुत होशियार है पढ़ाई में ... 9.5 कुछ  cgpa थी .. पूरे चार साल भर .. होनोर्स की डिग्री मिली है ... दिमाग़ ऐसा शार्प है की डाइमंड को भी कट कर दे ... एक sem में तो पर्फेक्ट 10 थे ... दिखने में बला की जितनी खूबसूरत उतनो ही पढ़ाई में होशियार  ...

मैं तो खुद को tees maar khan समझ रहा था .. पर आज उसने मुझे फिर से ज़मीन पर पटक दिया ..
पर चलो जो भी है ... she deserves it.... हर चीज़ में अव्वल है .. पढ़ाई खेल कूद गाना बजाना ... उसकी cv देखी दिमाग़ खराब हो गया मेरा.. ऐसे cv किसी की कैसे हो सकती है ... फुल ऑफ अचीव्मेंट्स .... शर्म आती है मुझे खुद पर...

मुझे जीने का कोई हक़ नही है ... मुझे तो मर ही जाना चाहिए ....

अब नही सहा जाता यार .. मैने हार मान ली है .....

Are you Unhappy ?? Then do accept being unhappy..

Are you Unhappy ?? Then do accept being unhappy..

Disappointment, fear and loss are as much a part of life as achievement, hope and joy. But this indeterminate state no longer seems to be socially acceptable.

I am going to come out of the closet, and make a shocking, even shameful, admission. I am not a happy person. In fact I am the sort of chap who complete strangers come up to in the street and advise to cheer up, since it might never happen. I am not, I should emphasise, an unhappy person either. I love to laugh. I think I am pretty much like most people, with moods that shift and transform. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes sad, most of the time I am pretty much neutral, with my mind elsewhere. Disappointment, fear and loss are as much a part of my life as achievement, hope and joy. It is all of a piece.

However, this indeterminate state no longer seems to be socially acceptable. It is required of me, both implicitly and explicitly, that I remain in a state of continual near-explosion — passionate about this, excited about that, looking forward to something else. If not, I am antisocial. Worst of all I am a failure, because if I was a success, I would be happy.

Happiness, we are confidently assured, is the objective of life and it is something we “get” by working hard, shopping, playing and exercising, giving to charitable causes and taking part in the drama of late capitalism. Because capitalism loves the goal of happiness — since it can offer endless products that will promise it. When they fail to do so, it can offer alternative products which make an identical promise. And so on. I am not an advocate for misery — far from it. Happiness is good for you and for those around you. But you mustn’t be ashamed if you can’t.

I wish I were happy all the time — I just don’t think it’s a very realistic possibility. The daily parade of disaster on the news is sobering enough. The fact of my own mortality is a downer. The difficulties of human communication produce as much isolation as connection. The corruption and venality of the powerful are daily reminders of injustice. It’s no coincidence that all the greatest works of human drama —from Elektra to Hamlet to A View from the Bridge — are tragedies.

We can, it is suggested, find happiness through good works. This is also an ideology. I am as likely to be disappointed by “doing the right thing” as I am elevated. That’s why it’s so hard to do. The secret truth is that being unselfish can leave you just as empty as being selfish. Not that I’m advocating selfishness — just pointing out that if “goodness” were easy, it wouldn’t be particularly admirable. It would simply be a form of hedonism.

Lifting the weight of denial.

I am sincerely glad that we have all cheered up since we are born. But there’s a danger that all this positivity is becoming counterproductive. The UN now has an International Happiness Day when we are all instructed to be happy. If I wasn’t grumpy before, I was after this particular injunction, a classic case of happiness bullying. There is plenty of evidence that cheerfulness is not fuelling the zeitgeist quite as much as we suppose. Depressive illness is at record levels. Children are stressed like never before, as are teachers. Suicide is the main cause of death for men under 35.

There is plenty of unhappiness. Why dwell on it? There’s no need, I agree. But we shouldn’t refuse to acknowledge it. TV and the Internet disseminate a form of propaganda by insisting on and showcasing shiny, creative, fulfilling lives. It makes me feel inadequate because my life, although creative, and fulfilling and quite well paid, does not send me into paroxysms of ecstasy every day. It is just life, sometimes good, sometimes bad, often a confusing mixture of both.

I would not go so far as Slavoj Žižek who, when asked what he found most depressing, answered “the happiness of stupid people”. But I know what he meant. Anyone intelligent and sensitive and thoughtful cannot look at the world and themselves without some inkling that everything, although strange and remarkable, is not always awesome. If we could acknowledge it, the weight of denial could be lifted. And you know what? We’d all be a lot happier for it.

If heaven had a window

If heaven had a window and God granted me a view,
of all the beauty it beholds I'd only look for you.
I'd listen for your laughter that was always music to me,
your beautiful hair and hazel eyes is what I'd wish most to see.
If I could only view once more the smile that warmed my heart,
I'd treasure that moment as long as I live and we must be apart.
Here on earth I search for you and pray to God for signs,
and every day that passes you're still with me in my mind.
I know you're happy in heaven you've earned your mansion indeed,
I imagine your kitchen table and you waiting there for me.
I love you and I miss you more than words can say,
and what I wouldn't give just to talk to you today.
I hope that you can hear me and listen to my thoughts,
and where ever this life takes me you know I've not forgot.
That once upon a time I was blessed and loved its true,
and if heaven had a window I'd only look for you.